Log in

No account? Create an account


Forget for a minute what the real world looks like, forget what you know, sometimes you need to believe in what isn't exactly there. A daydream of better nights. A storybook fantasy where life is ordered and consistent and tales get awfully exciting before they wrap up nicely for all involved. Who are we to enforce reality? After all, you never know when the good angel of fortune might bring a page from your book to life and throw a kind of miracle your way.


I have no respect for anyone except for myslefff!! AHHH. There's no possible way in the depths of eternity that me and devyn can be together in a way that my parents can know. At this point, I have no respect or trust for ANYONE. If you're one of my friends and you're reading this, my live journal is probably going to tell you more about my feelings than I am going to. Anyway, first i have to update on the physical stuff :D!

PIDAY! I never knew about this wonderful holiday until this week. It's on march 14, aka 3/14. Get it? Pi day, 'cause pi is commonly estimated to 3.14 ? Well, anyway, that was yesterday, and in my math class everyone brought pie :D we measured the circumference and then ate it :D We even sang the pi day theme song, which strangely enough kind of sounds like a familiar christmas carol, but i'll let it go.

Anyway, by third period, i had a HUGE stomach ache. NOT COOL bcause band had to play at festival. It was at ,mandarin high this year, and just by being in that school for 3 hours, I can sya that's the biggest n00b school in duval. &not the cool kind of n00bz that go on gaia and make lame jokes..the kind of n00bz that do their homework and wear polo shirts they buy at target when they go "back-to-school shopping" *shudders*. Since the oboeist is in the front row, far left seat, and we had to line up according to where we sit, I had to be in the front of the line :o and it was frustrating because the judge guy (that was balding btw) that was showing us where to go kept stopping to hold the door open & leaving me with no sense of where in the world i was supposed to go :O anyway, if we had to do the individual evaluations, i would have gotten like a 57! Because i put my reeds in the wrong cases, so i had the wrong reed for every single song :O!! Especially during bartok, when i had my solo, I had my soft reed in, AHHH so embarrassing.  Anyway, we ended up getting a 2 on sight-reading and a 3 on performance, but mr ackerman said we were a 1 in his eyes :D, which basically means that we sucked, but he still loves us

Clayton keeps getting cuter :D

on the way back, we were WHYLIN! Passing cupcakes back and forth between brooke's car and the bus :)

Today i tried to sneak off, and i'm afraid his dad thinks even less of me..

Tater tots.

Soo, uhm. I love adriana rebecca. She completely brightened my day today. At first I was torn between whether or not i should be exciited to see devyn, or terrified out of my mind to see anyone else. The only thing stopping me from just handing my heart over to him is my peers. They know what I know, but they don't know everything he's about. Today he said "it's as if your heart is blindfolding you and pushing you off a cliff".  I woke up super late, and i wish I hadn't because I arrived at the mall at like, 4, which is like, a billion times later than usual. I started wandering around to find him, but of course I had to run into my frienimies. Courtney IS going to fall for kyle, IGAFFF what she says, whether she shows it or not. Kyle's not as much of an airhead as I made him out to be, He has the capacity for greatness, he just doesn't care to develop it. I tried to refrain from physical contact with Devyn. He dragged me to the most nostalgic, familiar place he could. Into the alley behind the movie theater, where we often would sit and talk for hours over the summer. it was ectasy, and suddenly I couldn't decide whether simply the nostalgic illusion this caused for me was the reason for my feelings, or if I was really feeling the love i had. I asked him to take me somewhere else. Somewhere i'd never been before. So his step-dad picked us up and took us to his house. It wasn't the nostalgia confusing me. it was so strange to be in that situation again, yet at the same time, so natural, so normal...so REAL. It was a connection that could never be described. I love him. But I do not, by any means LIKE him. He's narrow-minded and his supiority complex has it's own zip code. Regardless, I love him, but I still have to decide whether or not I'm in love with him. I will not talk to him everday, and i will not see him everyweekend. I have alot to think about. I will lose friends, my mind, and possibly a lot morre.

Adriana brightened my day dramatically. To have no where else to go, wandering the perimeter of the mall in the cold, alone, she called me, bought me ice cream, and even a movie ticket (we snuck Paul in)! And patrick, he was a pick-me-up. He gives the tightest hugs that make you feel invinable. I saw him on the way to the movies with Chelsea, whom i didnt know he even spoke to, and Lacy, whom I didn't know he dated. 0.o I know he can do a lot better than her. In fact, if I go with my head's preference on the Devyn conflict, I was considering getting to know him better. Anyway, those two kids deffinently brightened my day more than they know.

I am going to be in so much trouble if i don't go to church tomorrow.


Up to yourself.

"Love ridden I've looked at you with the focus I gave to my birthday candles. I've wished on the lidded blue flames under your brow. And baby, I wish for you. Nobody sees me when you are lying in your bed and I wanna crawl in with you. But I cry instead -- I want your warmth but it will only make me colder when it's over." - Fiona Apple

I can't say I'm enjoying this, although you are bringing me the greatest joy I've felt in several months. I'd cross oceans for authenticy. I'm paranoid about every feeble attempt at contact you make with me, and whose fault is that? I have every reason to believe you are cooking up some kind of ploy to screw me over for the upteenth time. The idea of being with you always made me smile on thought contact... until I realized you were perfect for me...now it just makes me scared. Scared for my own skin my own heart. If it breaks again I swear I won't fix it.

Today at school, to support some kind of anti-drug program, we had "ghosts"-people wearing gray t-shirts stating their risky behavior/cause of death- roaming the school. I thought it was actually a kind of profound idea. I haven't seen drug prevention expressed like that before other than in "go ask alice". The kind of prevention that comes straight from the mouth of someone who first-hand experienced the effects. Not just the diseased-cow-lung-in-bag (everyone's seen those things, right?). The best way to learn anything, i think, is by having been warned by someone who's gone through with what you're considering, especially if there are already apparent similarities between the comittee and yourself.

I've never felt like this before, I'm overwhelmed by an unbelievable amount of hatred for him, yet, I couldn't be more in love. it's like I want to throw him out into traffic, then risk my life to save him. I want him to feel the worst kind of pain there is, and then I want him to give it all back. It's just..the sense of familiarity. And not in a "safety in shadows" security-blanket type of way. Don't even bother trying to say something clever. Clever is as clever does, no matter what it says. I'm looking for a sign, says you're for real this time, but I don't trust what's in your head. You're contradicting the fact the you still want me around. Despite your implafications that I played dumb about for hours, your behavior tells me otherwise.

Yes, I'm stupid enough to fall for you again, but you're cruel enough to invite me to.




Latest Month

March 2008


RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Jamison Wieser